The Good Ole Days
mmigration is a political hot button; isn’t everything. I understand the emotional nature of the topic, the need for major reform, and the fact that the President was elected, in part, to stop the flow of immigrants from crossing the border. It is a complex issue with too many subtleties for a simple answer. It is for that reason; I choose to pay attention but not offer my views. The subject deserves a book, not a thirteen-hundred-word column.
Having said that, I will reluctantly opine about one group that has chosen to migrate to the US. They are everywhere and they are awful, dirty even. I don’t know how this happened. When I was young, I didn’t notice them hanging around and now I can’t go anywhere without seeing them. They tend to congregate and when they do, they don’t want to be bothered. If you approach them, they can be mean; to be factual, I have never seen them act violently, but they look menacing.
To make matters worse, they act like they belong here. It is not uncommon for me to drive along and to come upon a bunch of them slowly walking along, not on the side of the road, but in the middle of the road. Honking at them will not get them to move out of the way, it is their road, and I must wait; wait I always do. I must admit though the evil side of me secretly fantasizes about plowing through them and wiping the group out. Truth be told, the only thing that holds me back is the threat of being the subject of a “Breaking News” segment on CNN. Neither I, nor my little town needs the attention.
So, what are we to do with these pests? They have arrived and seemingly mate with great proclivity until they have formed a gaggle in my neighborhood, shatting in every yard. Of course, I am referring to Canadian Geese.
Surely, we can all agree these damn birds are a pain. We have advanced as a society to the point where you can safely walk in park and not worry about stepping in the remnants of an unknown dog’s morning constitution – we are so advanced we now pick up after little Oliver. With that challenge behind us, we now must navigate the deposits of a hundred birds who have determined this park is their septic field. It is as though they carpet bomb the whole damn area.
What is the solution? The only thing I can think of is we have to send a message to these cocky little honkers. They have now internalized, correctly, that we won’t do anything to them. They walk about without concern or fear of humans. We must change that – we have to teach them a lesson. I understand this approach could add to our international reputation as a harsh country, a bully even. I also accept my idea will lead to condemnation from PETA, and I am sorry about that. I know they don’t believe animals should be used for clothing, food, or entertainment and I respect their view; in this case I would argue we aren’t killing Geese for any of those purposes, we are doing what we must to protect our freedom, and as we have been reminded, that is all that matters.
Here’s the plan, there are approximately 393 million guns in the US; by my math, we have them outnumbered. I know, not everyone will feel so compelled to target practice on these invaders, but about 44% of the population owns a gun. What can we assume; how many lawful patriots will take up the call to freedom and help us rid the country of unwanted birds.
To be clear, I don’t want to eliminate them, just give them a wake-up call. They aren’t dumb, they moved to a country with a better climate than their homeland, and I don’t know for sure, but I suspect they are somehow getting government benefits. Once this education starts, imagine the number of times our politicians could stand in front of cameras and offer thoughts and prayers.
We must use firearms, we can’t rely on the US population to take the mantle and start eating Geese for sustenance -- we will leave strange eating habits to a select, small town in Ohio. Furthermore, I can’t imagine they taste good. In fact, several years ago my wonderful wife made a goose at Christmas – she had found some obscure German recipe and wanted to try it. It was awful. I developed a newfound respect for our American bird of edible choice, the turkey.
If killing the geese is unseemly and doesn’t feed our people, this really is an effort to take back our country. Call it another step in making American great again. I could get behind this movement. It would be a way for me to find common ground with my neighbors. Maybe the guy who lives behind me who still flies a flag pronouncing Trump won and I could kibitz across our backyard wall. Probably not, he also flies a flag that says, “God, Guns, and Trump,” and that seems like a big bridge for me to walk over.
It is possible this could serve to bond a divided country, call it the enemy of my enemy is my friend approach. I will leave that for a later date.
What do you think? Could we use this scourge on our country to unite for a common cause and push these annoying pests back across the border? If we do it right, we won’t need a wall or a net to stop them from returning, the survivors will tell family members about the evil land to the south and their warnings will deter generations from braving the crossing in search of better weather and benefits.
I don’t know what the answer is, I just want them gone. I long for the day when diversity was different colored ducks. The good ole days.
