I Am So Confused
In my seemingly never-ending quest to find the “right” literary agent to represent my fledgling writing career, I spend roughly thirty minutes a night browsing literary agency websites. It is as boring as it sounds; occasionally though, there is a nugget that catches my eye, and I find hope. Last night, however, wasn’t one of those nights.
As I read the bio of a featured agent, I became confused with what was being described. The first sentence that threw me off was, “They seek character-driven adult-themed fiction….”
My initial quick read of this sentence didn’t cause me to pause, and then I realized the word “they” seemed misused. My expectation was I was reading a person’s bio, but this was suggesting a broader group was seeking these genres. In my simpleton mind I wondered, what am I missing? I started looking deeper into the bio and discovered this person’s pronouns are, they/them. Frankly, I could care less about what they call themselves or how they identify, it means nothing to me, I am all about choice and letting people be who they are; but reading the bio was confusing and baffling.
In fact, I haven’t been this out of sorts in a while. The last time descriptive words left me adrift was several years back when I called the office of a person I had never spoken to, but through email had arranged for a call. The plan was for me to call his office. According to the signature stamp on his email his first name was Richard.
Being the prompt person I am, I dialed his office at the appointed time. The person on the other end cheerfully answered the phone by saying, “Hello this is D@$k Head’s office can I help you?’
Let that sink in. This person had no say in the name his parents chose. He did, however, have a say in what he was called. He could have stuck with Richard, that is a fine name. Or he could have gone with Rick, that was my brother’s name. Ricky was a less formal option but certainly acceptable. If he was feeling spicy, he could have chosen Ricardo and that would have served him well. He didn’t take any of those paths; he chose the common nickname of a US President. I will let you decide which president.
Okay I am digressing, back to last night’s confusion. Imagine for a moment this person was my agent and some day in the future I will speak with them over the phone. As soon as I hung up, I realized I forgot to ask one more question, so I called the office back hoping to quickly reconnect. I imagine the call would go something like this.
“Hey sorry to call back, this is Michael West. I was just speaking with my agent, is she available for a quick call?”
“No, sorry she is in a meeting.”
“Are you serious, I was on a call with her ten seconds ago. Can I talk to her quickly?”
“Her is on vacation.”
“You’re telling me that I can’t talk to her because she is on vacation?”
“No, she is in a meeting, her is on vacation.”
“I don’t understand.” I say with growing anxiety.
“Michael, they would be happy to talk with you.” She replies.
“Who are they?” I respond.
“Michael, I know this is hard for you. Since you are from Tennessee, I will slow down and try to be clearer.” The assistant offers.
“Okay,” I say meekly.
“Would you like to talk to them, they are available?” she tries again.
Beaten, and with nothing to say, I ask, “Can I buy a vowel?
Of course, this attempt at humor falls on deaf ears. At this point I have forgotten my question; it wasn’t that important anyway. So, I say, “Thanks for your time, tell them I called.”
Imagining the challenge that could develop and accepting I don’t understand any of this, I mark this person off my list of potential agent partners. I know that isn’t fair to them, but I can’t spend time trying to figure out how to communicate a revised version of English. And let’s be honest, this person would likely never consider me a good partner. You can’t represent a writer who struggles with pronouns.
I am the first to admit, proper grammar is still an elusive goal. It was always destined to be that way. It took me two years to pass three quarters of college English. I don’t know how I made it through. I think I found three, “bless his heart professors,” who found pity, held their noses, and said “pass.” I am grateful for them. I was also blessed my first professor moved to another university and didn’t influence her department. She didn’t care for me; when I turned in my first paper my freshman year, the teacher wrote across the top, “try again.” I didn’t know exactly what she meant. There were no red lines or observations within the text of my paper. Just those simple words scrolled across the top. I asked her for clarification as to what she meant and she said, “This was so bad, I was overwhelmed with comments; it gave me a headache, so I gave up reading it.”
With that foundation, I work hard to learn and advance my writing knowledge. As such, I researched the word they with the mindset that it is a third-person plural pronoun, and I was right, that is how it is traditionally used. But wait, it is now also used as a singular pronoun when someone doesn’t identify with either gender. I am so glad I cleared that up.
To Mr. Head and they, I wish you all the best. I don’t understand why you call yourself what you do, but then again you didn’t ask me, nor do you care whether I get it or not. I assume all you want is respect, and you have that from me. If you have the temerity to proclaim to the world you are a Dick or a they, good on you. As for me, I hope you don’t mind if I say I am confused.
